Today’s Tip: How is your relationship… really?

So I was chatting with a woman this weekend, and, being a Rules dating coach, couldn’t help but ask how she and her boyfriend got together.

Long story short, it was NOT a Rules beginning, nor is it a Rules relationship.

Now, you can have a semi-decent relationship without The Rules, but I was SO disheartened to hear the way he is treating her: neglecting her, taking her for granted, rolling in money but making her spilt everything, threatening to take HER dog if she breaks up with him, accusing her of being a “slut” because he “accidentally opened” her journal and read about a romantic relationship that came before him. SO heartbreaking.

One of my friends recently confided in me that when her boyfriend is nice, he’s NICE. But when he’s not, LOOK OUT! He’s mean, makes underhanded comments, calls her names, accuses (with no proof, just paranoia) her of trash-talking him to her friends (Um… We ARE allowed to confide in our friends!!), and holds her to complete double standards: he can flirt with other women IN FRONT OF HER all he wants, but she’s not even allowed to hang out with her male friends of 20 years.

These women are smart, highly educated, beautiful, and absolute dolls. They DO NOT deserve this disrespect, and NEITHER DO YOU. Rules aside for a moment: Okay, maybe you don’t always do them… but what kind of relationship are you REALLY in? Is he abusive and neglectful? Did it start out great and slowly deteriorate? Is he a sweetie at one moment (usually when you threaten to leave) and mean and hateful another? Does he make you question reality?

With perfect timing, this article crossed my path and I thought it would be great to share with you, if you, like so many women I have met, are struggling. http://iheartintelligence.com/2016/08/08/questions-partner-controlling/ 

 

All the love!

 

Advertisements

Today’s Tip: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

So, my dears, how did Valentine’s Day go?

He loves me:

He planned ahead/scheduled me well in advance of Valentine’s Day.

He made reservations/plans for something or somewhere he knew I would enjoy.

He told me he loves me.

He proposed!

He introduced me to his friends/parents/children.

He bought/made/gave me a romantic gift. Money is not the objective here; it’s romance. As CUAOs, we would prefer a card with a poem he wrote inside and signed “Love, …” over something practical that he spends beaucoup bucks on. So: card with poem/song he wrote over iPad, flowers over laptop, jewelry over expensive kitchen appliance, weekend trip over new car… you get the picture. Gifts are a great way to gauge how he feels about you. If he loves you, he doesn’t buy you something he would buy his grandmother. She gets the silk scarf and/or bouquet of daisies; you get the heart necklace and/or a dozen red roses. She gets the #1 Nana necklace; you get the sparkly diamond engagement ring. So be honest with yourself: Was it a romantic gift? If not, it’s a good time to take a good look at this relationship…

 

He loves me not (Probably—there’s a SLIM possibility he’s very spoiled or that a terrible precedent was set at the beginning of the relationship):

He waited until the last minute and asked the same day or night before.

He took me to the least romantic pub in existence where he watched xyz sports game/whatever was on the TV more than he spoke to me.

He bought me a coffee pot and zero flowers or candy.

He somehow made it sound like it would be SO romantic if I cooked dinner for us… But really, it just meant that I got stuck grocery shopping, paying for the food, lugging it home, cooking and cleaning, setting the mood, and all that joker did was bring the wine!

He makes me second-guess myself all the time. Is this a relationship or not? Is he just killing time? Just wanted a date so he doesn’t feel like a loser on the romance holiday?

He completely skipped Valentine’s Day but he called me for a date the next weekend…

He took me out on Saturday night (or ON Valentine’s Day) but didn’t actually acknowledge the holiday. (Even though I wore red and heart-shaped earrings.)

We’ve been “together” for 6 months. He got me a card and flowers, but he didn’t sign the card “Love, …” and, come to think of it, he never says it.

He invited me me over. He made dinner (a BIG batch of lasagna he intends separate into portions to eat every day for lunch this week). While we ate, we watched a movie he had pirated. But it feels like it was just really a ploy to get me into bed because immediately after dinner, we had sex, then he went directly to sleep.

 

So are you still plucking the flower or do you have a clear picture? Are you feeling blue because something on the list above happened to you? Don’t worry—you’re not alone in this. The above scenarios are ALL true stories that have happened either to me or one of my besties. We are in this together, ladies. Let’s change it!

Maybe there are some gray areas or you’re in the “bad precedent group” and you need to chat about and/or fix it– that’s fine too. Maybe you know the Rules but your mom/girlfriend/sister thinks you’re being too picky or crazy or overanalyzing and you need a fellow CUAO to look at it with fresh eyes. I’m here for you. Shoot me an email at datingadvicebyalicia@gmail.com or head to my Consultations page and fill in the boxes. We can sort this out together. Why not, right? Do you have more time to waste if he’s not in love with you yet?

All the love!

Today’s Tip: How to Make a New Rulesy Start

Hello, loves! On this eve of all eves I want to wish you a very happy beginning to a brand new year! I hope you all have some fantastic plans to ring in the New Year. Perhaps you’re seeing a man you’re Rulesing? Maybe a singles’ mixer? Hosting a party? Or a night out with the girls? Whatever you’re doing, I hope you have a wonderful holiday.

A fresh start! Don’t you just adore those? As I was searching through a stack of books yesterday, I found the Rules Journal that Ellen and Sherrie gave to me during the certification process. I don’t write in it because I prefer to do my journaling a bit differently from the way the book is set up, but the journal is genius. It’s set up so that every week you focus on one Rule (or piece of a Rule) at a time. With the beginning of the New Year, I thought this idea could come in handy for anyone that’s brand new to being a CUAO and CUAOs that are struggling to remember or stick to The Rules. Learning The Rules is a process that doesn’t happen overnight. So taking it one week at a time, practicing, and focusing on one Rule at a time, will help build your success, confidence, and trust in The Rules. If you don’t buy the Journal, you can still do this yourself. Have a little heart-to-heart with yourself and make a list of The Rules you find most difficult. Chat with yourself about why they’re difficult for you, and choose one Rule per week to work on. You will make progress in doing The Rules and learn a lot about yourself in the process: win-win!!

Happy New Year’s Eve!

Today’s Tip: Holiday Rule 1

The holiday season is upon us! That being the case, there are a few Rules we really need to keep in mind at this time of year. Over the next few weeks I will review them all, but let’s start with this one:
Let him lead!
This Rule has a lot of branches, but the one you need to focus on the most during the holidays is that you shouldn’t be introducing him to your friends before he introduces you to his friends… Or your family before you meet his family. I know it is tempting with all of the gatherings and get-togethers. And the best friend that’s in from out-of-town. And the aunts that sit you down every holiday to itemize the efforts you’ve been making to meet a man. And you’ve gone to the last 2 Thanksgivings alone. And it’s what I call “Diamond Season.” But you have to let things develop at the right speed. If you don’t rush and you play your cards right, you could be celebrating your own engagement by this time next year!

Today’s Tip- Do You

How’s that self-esteem of yours? Is there something small you can do to help yourself be happier? Or become more comfortable in your own skin?

It’s the beginning of a fresh, new week! For some, the beginning of a new school year. It’s the perfect time to put something new into your routine. Many art and music classes rotate with the school year calendar. Is there something you’d like to learn? Violin, pottery, a new language, how to refinish that end table, photography, wine pairing principles, how to get your dog to stop barking at the mailman? Is there a yoga or ballroom dance class you’ve been meaning to try (or return to)? Maybe you want to join a Meetup in your area? Not only will you open yourself up to meeting new people (maybe Mr. Right?), you’ll have more conversation topics to draw from in social situations.

Maybe something else would do the trick:

How about adding a few new items to your wardrobe to pep it up a bit?

Or a little tooth whitening might brighten your smile? A spray-tan? New fragrance?

A night in front of Netflix or HGTV donning an exfoliating mask, giving yourself a pedicure?

Taking some time to breathe deeply and meditate?

Perhaps a little getaway for the long Labor Day weekend?

Feast your eyes on some paintings at the MET?

A night out with the girls?

What do you like to do? What would boost your mind, body, and/or spirit and help you become the BEST version of yourself? “Doing you” is the first step in any relationship. The happier you are, the more confidence you exude, the more attractive you are to others. It’s the dawning of a new week; give it a go! What sounds good to you? Share your ideas below!

Today’s Tip- Do What You Love

Take yourself on little dates to do things you love when you don’t have someone to go with you. I LOVE to pick my own produce, and peaches are in season at the moment so I made a solo trip to a local farm to pick some peaches straight from the trees. They. Are. Delicious! What do you love to do? Don’t be afraid to go alone. Who knows? You could always meet a cute farmer or a guy that shares your interest!