Category: Relationship Advice

Helpful Tools

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I made you some really helpful resources because (maybe it’s cheesy, but…) I care.
1.) Personally I’m a sucker for a quiz. This one tells you your dating style and gives you some pointers in your results. Dating Style Quiz. It’ll take you about 10 minutes.

2.) I also made “Take the Guesswork out of Dating” for you. It’ll guide you through what to do before, during, and after a date to avoid common (catastrophic) mistakes. Because you deserve way more than those jokers that are going to waste your precious time. Inside you’ll find:

  • How to craft your pre-date mindset
  • What TO talk about. What NOT to talk about
  • How to spot the guys that will waste your time
  • The recipe for increased confidence and decreased confusion

Pro tip: Print it and post it wherever you get ready for dates so it’s fresh in your head when you head out.

3.) The third treat I created for you is a guide called Learning to Pace a Relationship. It could be the difference between getting ghosted and getting married. Inside there’s answers to:

  • What is an appropriate first date location?
  • If we’ve been dating for 2 months, how many times per week can I see him?
  • Should I go to his place yet?
  • When can I spend a week away with him?

And SO MUCH MORE. Pacing is an important part of dating- especially in the beginning. It prevents him from getting too much from you too soon and fizzling out or ghosting AND gives him enough time to develop real feelings. This chart is chef’s kiss if I do say so myself.

Here’s my QR Code. It’ll take you to everything (My LinkTree).

✨Alsoooooo… You are also cordially invited to join me in a little corner of the internet I built for us. I’m starting a Dating Advice Support Group that will meet weekly to chat about The Rules, vent, support each other, and solve your specific dating woes. It’s small right now, as all new groups are- but that gets you in early at a Founder’s rate that will never go up- for however long you’re a member. I’ve also included a couple other Founder’s perks👇🏻

Check out the Founder’s Perks

Let me know what you think! And if you have questions, I’m only a DM @advice.by.alicia (on Insta or TikTok) or email away therulesroom@advicebyalicia.com 🤗

See you there?

Cheers!

Alicia

It’s Here (Almost)! Join My Community!

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I’ve been hard at work creating something that’s super exciting to me- and maybe to you!

What is it? I built a little corner of the internet for us- a Dating Advice Community for you to come and learn The Rules- a framework for dating that helps you spot the guys that are going to waste your time, your energy, maybe your money. The Rules help you set and keep boundaries, protect your sanity and your peace, and, help you spot the RIGHT guy(s).

I’m starting a The Rules Room. It’s a Dating Advice Community that will Zoom live twice weekly -with 2 wildly different meeting times to accommodate time zones and different schedules- to chat about The Rules, vent, support each other, and solve your specific dating woes. (No pressure to turn your camera on). This isn’t one of those text-only “set it and forget it” communities where the founder disappears after launch. You’ll get answers to your actual questions- not just generic advice. There’s a chat feed to get to know other members, post updates, ask opinions, etc., and an “Ask Alicia (me, a certified Rules Dating Coach)” for those burning questions that can’t wait until the next Zoom. I will also send you off to the weekend with reminders and pep talks to keep you on track!

It’s small right now, as all new groups are- but joining the waitlist gets you in early at a Founder’s rate that will never go up- for however long you’re a member. I’ve also included a couple other Founder’s perks. It’s not open yet but…

🌸The doors open August 18!🌸

People on the waitlist will get first dibs, early access, and the lowest price it will ever be. And it’ll be locked in for as long as you’re a member of the community.

When the doors open to the public:

  • The price will be going up
  • Certain spots will be limited
  • And then you’ll be sitting there like “ugh I wish I had joined the waitlist when I had the chance.”

If this sounds like something you’d be into, check it out here! Don’t go it alone anymore. You are hereby cordially invited to The Rules Room. RSVP, k?🫶🏻

Join The Rules Room Waitlist

I also have some other tasty treats for you here 👇🏻

Also here are some helpful resources for you

Cheers!

Alicia

Is He Wasting My Time?

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…or does he actually like me?

Good question. And it’s one I see every. single. day. Many times a day. From my clients. From women online. Everywhere -all the time.

How are you supposed to know when it’s safe to spend your time and your energy and lower your shields for a man? Glad you asked. Let’s just get right into it. Here’s how we know he likes/loves us…

These are how you can tell BEFORE you even meet:

  • If he talks to/messages you first.
  • If he writes something of substance as his first message to you on a dating app. We don’t even bother answering the “hi/hello” “hi beautiful” “wyd” messages. If he starts with “I noticed you like traveling, what’s your favorite place to visit?” or “You’re into art? Have you seen the new Van Gogh exhibit at the MET?’ (And if he’s smart, he turns that into a date when you show enthusiasm about it.) Just ignore any other lame messages and you’ll save SO much time. I wrote about how to set up a dating app- here. And how to write your profile so he has something to talk about (and not spill your guts)- here.*
  • If he asks you out QUICKLY. I am talking within FOUR exchanges on a dating app. Or he gets your number when he meets you out in the wild and asks you out within 4 text exchanges. Or if he crosses the room to meet you and asks you out in person. All of the others are Time-wasters. I will go into this one more on my next blog so stay tuned for HOW to do this and WHY it matters.*
  • If he’s asking you out with advanced notice- at least 3 days.*
  • If he chooses a safe, well-lit area for your first couple of dates.
  • If he’s the one putting in the effort to plan the dates.
  • If he’s asking for your input or listening to you to know what to plan for dates you’ll enjoy.
  • If he makes the location of the first and second dates convenient for you- as in, in your area. By this I mean 10-15 minutes travel time for you, TOPS- unless you live in the middle of nowhere- make it make sense for you. ✨Obviously NEVER invite a stranger to your home or tell them where you live!✨*

What to look for once you’re past the first couple of dates:

  • If he picks you up at your door for most subsequent dates.*
  • If he’s asking for your input or listening to you to know what to plan for dates you’ll enjoy.
  • If he happily pays the tab and doesn’t make you feel awkward.
  • If he gives you little romantic gifts like flowers or candy or a cute stuffed animal or jewelry. Or writes you little poems, sends you songs, makes you a playlist, sends you funny memes during the day- things that show he’s thinking of you when you’re not there.
  • If he doesn’t rush you into being intimate- but shows he’s interested and attracted to you in a respectful way.
  • If he holds your hand, puts his arm around you, sits on the same side of the booth as you, pulls your chair closer to his, flags down the waiter for you, opens your car door, opens every door for you, helps you off the curb or down steps as you teeter in your heels.
  • If he always asks you out in advance- ideally, he asks for another date at the end of the date, as he’s dropping you off.*
  • If he tells you he told his parents/family/friends about you. Or invites you to meet them within a reasonable time frame- not too soon and not too late.
  • If he lights up when he sees you.
  • If he asks you what each and every facial expression you make means.
  • If he BEGS you to leave even just one thing at his apartment so you’re comfortable when you stay.*
  • If he buys you your own pillow for his place.*
  • If he’s sad when you have other plans, BUT RESPECTS YOUR SPACE and your friendships so there’s no guilt trip when you go out with them.
  • If he gives you a key to his place (that you don’t even use) and says you’re welcome anytime.
  • If he is totally transparent about his past relationships, when relevant- especially if he is co-parenting- BUT does NOT use you as his therapist.
  • If he’s completely comfortable handing you his phone.
  • If he wants to see you all the time and gets frustrated when you pace the relationship.*
  • Etc.

Do these men even exist?! Yes. Yes they do. When a man is really into you, he WANTS to make you happy. Wants to impress you. Wants to be challenged. Wants to figure you out. Wants to choose things you’ll like. Wants to respect your boundaries. Wants to show you his best side. Wants to spend time with you in person- not just on the phone. You get the picture.

*Here’s the thing… MANY of these will come naturally to him when he’s in love or like. Some of them (the ones with the *) might not and he may need a little (UNSPOKEN) guidance… It doesn’t mean he’s not into you, but he may have some bad habits to break (or have been spoiled in the past)… And it will be up to you to be strategic. But that’s going to have to be another blog because there’s more to it.

Now keep this piece in mind while you also PACE the relationship. Being really interested in someone can lead to seeing them too much too soon- in which case, men often crash and burn (or fizzle and ghost). Here’s a handy chart I made to help keep you on track, even when your emotions are running HIGH.

Dating Progression Chart

If you’re interested in learning more about this, and more about how to date with your sanity intact, come on over and join the waitlist for my online Dating Advice Community. We will Zoom twice per week (at VERY different times to accommodate different schedules and time zones) to check in, vent about the current state of dating, give each other support, and get answers to your specific questions. I’ve been a Dating Coach for 10 years now and I’ve seen this framework work over and over again. So give the tips above a try and check out the community!

See you there?

Join the Dating Advice Community Waitlist

Cheers!

Alicia

Community coming Soon!

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Hellooooooo!

I have been hard at work creating something TEN years in the making. Ok, it hasn’t taken me 10 years to create it, but it’s taken me this long to have the time to do so…. Over the 10 years that I’ve been a Rules Certified Dating Coach, I have been asked repeatedly to begin a group so fellow Rules Girls (women) can come together to chat and support each other through the weeds of dating- and now I finally have the time to do it! I know all too well how difficult it is to do The Rules on your own, decipher texts from men, and come up with the right dialogue to maintain that Rules-y “honest but mysterious” vibe. Sooo…

✨ I will be launching a community on the Mighty Network for Rules-y and Rules-curious women!✨

I will be opening the “doors” VERY soon. It will be small at first, as all new communities are, but I anticipate that we will grow as more women join the group. Within the group, we will meet twice weekly via Zoom on Mondays and Wednesdays (different times to accommodate for time zones and schedules) to check-in about the past weekend, chat about The Rules, and ask YOUR specific “what if” and “what about” questions. I am also open to meeting briefly on Fridays to send you off to the weekend with The Rules in mind.

So I hope you will join me. It’s so much easier to do The Rules with others cheering you on! (If you’d like to join and be a wallflower, that’s welcome too. I’m an introvert as well, and I know sometimes I just want to observe and not be singled out. You do you, Boo!)

What are The Rules?

The Rules are a tried-and-true dating method passed down from generations. It’s a framework we use for dating that allows us to quickly see through the BS and weed out the guys that are going to waste our time or treat us poorly.

Why do The Rules?

So many of my clients over the years have always been SO nice, kind, considerate, forgiving, and let’s be honest, a lot of us were somehow taught we need to be people-pleasers, bending over backwards for others, excusing behaviors, and accepting the bare minimum (sometimes, even less) in relationships. Or maybe you were taught to lay all of your cards on the table and be very forward about who you are and what you want. In those and many other cases, men have walked all over us, kept us guessing and blaming ourselves, wasted our time, spent our money, taken all we could give- and then ghosted or moved on because they “needed space” or are “afraid of commitment.” One scroll through Threads will show you that SO many women are in the same boat. Well, I have great news- and more great news. The great news is: You’re already a WONDERFUL wife, you just need to learn how to 1.) spot a nice guy who deserves you and 2.) date and be a girlfriend first. The other great news is: The Rules help you do just that! We can stop those cycles of over-giving or over-sharing in their tracks. The Rules are a set of boundaries. We learn them. We stick to them. And they help us see through men’s bad behavior AND help us spot the good men too. (The actual good ones- not the ones that run around hatefully telling women how we don’t actually want a nice guy. Cue the Liz Lemon eye roll)

The thing about The Rules is that they’re easy- but they can be hard to do, especially when you like him. They involve making new habits and standing firm in your newfound healthy boundaries: not leading the conversation, not reaching out first, not making excuses for him, not (forgive me) being a doormat. And it can be hard to do it alone. I didn’t have a group of women to lean on when I was dating and doing The Rules so I know how hard it is- luckily I eventually met and recruited one of my besties and we went about it that way, holding hands as we held our boundaries, practicing answers for when he asks tricky personal questions, fixing our mistakes when we accidentally- or purposefully- broke a rule, sending each other screenshots of texts asking “what am I supposed to say to this?!” and on and on. That’s what this group is for.

This Community is for women who are:

  • Rules-y or Rules-curious
  • Confused and/or exhausted by men
  • Tired of being used and ghosted
  • Tired of hearing crummy advice about catering to lazy men
  • Sick of wasting their time on the wrong men
  • Not interested in dating or marrying a man-child
  • Not into situationships
  • Already knowledgeable in The Rules but don’t have single, like-minded friends for support
  • Looking for a man that will make a good husband (and possibly father to her children)
  • Want a group of like-minded women cheering them on
  • Interested in learning a new (to you), empowering way to date

I am opening the space very soon. As part of the 🎉Grand Opening 🎉 if you will, I want to spoil the community Founders. In addition to a low rate that will be locked-in for as long as you are a member, I am also including a free 30-minute 1:1 consult per month for you to use as you like. I will need to cap the number of Founders to 20 as I only have so much time in each month to do 1:1 consults, so I hope you’ll get in early! The price will go up and the 1:1 consults will be gone once we reach 20.

So watch this space, because I will be launching within the next few days!

Short but Sweet: A dating profile

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The dating apps are getting a LOT of hate. And I get it.
But they get sooo much easier to navigate if you learn some tips.
✨Here’s a helpful hack✨
Keep your profile short and sweet, but with some personality. Keep it light and positive but add some specifics.

Here’s a template:

Hi! I’m__name__. I’m a ___career title___. OR I work in ___field___.
I’m into _ add about 6 things here. Add a couple that are hobbies, a couple that are good low-key date ideas (without saying it), and a couple that are things you love or want to try.__ Optional: A sentence about what you’re looking for in someone.

For example:

Hi! I’m Alicia. I’m a pediatric Speech Pathologist.
In my free time I like roller skating, skiing, and reading. I’m into science lectures, movies, and I’m always up for traveling and trying new foods.
I’m looking for someone easy-going who will try my latest kitchen creations.

OR

Hello! I’m Guinevere, but I go by Beck. I’m a grad student, studying writing- specifically poetry. When I’m not writing, you can find me teaching yoga, out with my friends, or checking out open mic nights. I’m always up for trying a fun food truck or new craft beers.
I’m a sucker for an old book store.

OR

Hey there, I’m Emily. I’m new to Paris, originally from Chicago.
I’m a marketing executive and have been having a blast learning about French culture and cuisine. I’m into art, photography, and fashion. I like to stay fit by running.

Why do it this way? Because we want men to start a real conversation with us. “Hi beautiful” and “wyd” isn’t worth our time. But if we want them to say something meaningful, we have to give them something to use to be able to start a conversation with us. I know. Many of them just swipe based on looks, it’s true. Men are visual. But a man that’s truly interested in you will want to start off right.
Bonus: if they’re smart, they can get some date ideas out of your profile.

What about pictures you ask? Post 1 of your smiling face closer up, and maybe 2 body shots so they can see your figure. You don’t need 17 action shots, every hobby you love depicted, pets, family, kids, etc. Make sure your pictures are clear, flattering, accurate, and recent.

What are the don’ts? DON’T:

  • List all of your dealbreakers. You can have them; just keep them to yourself.
  • Write a novel
  • Tell them your full name or where you live, work, go to the gym, etc. SAFETY FIRST!
  • Air out any dirty laundry or things that are unflattering
  • Spell out your wish list
  • Get gooey and romantic
  • Be bitter or demanding
  • Discuss past relationships, traumas, or baggage

There is plenty of time for him to get to know you and learn about your dark sides and your quirks. Right now, just keep it light and positive. He’s a *stranger* and you don’t owe strangers every little detail.

✨If all this sounds great but you’d like a little help navigating this topic, and dating in general, I’d like to invite you to my own little corner of the internet. I’m starting a small Dating Advice Support Group that will Zoom weekly to chat about The Rules, vent, support each other, and solve your specific dating woes. It’s small right now, as all new groups are- but that gets you in early at a Founder’s rate that will never go up- for however long you’re a member. I’ve also included a couple other Founder’s perks 👇🏻

Check out the Founder’s Perks

Let me know what you think! And if you have questions, I’m only an email away therulesroom@advicebyalicia.com 🤗

See you there?

Ok so have fun and be safe out there! Love- and luck!

I also keep my helpful resources for you here

Five Leaf Clover

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Ever find a 5 leaf clover? (Real or metaphorical?)

🍀 I’m really good at finding 4 leaf clovers. I don’t even pick them anymore; I just leave them there for other people to discover. But the 5’s? Those are special. I love finding those. Who wouldn’t?

Why am I telling you this? Because you’re wasting your time on 3 leafers.

YOU are a FIVE leaf clover. Yes, I said FIVE. 

🚫☘️🚫How can you spot a 3 leafer? Easy.

They’re the ones that:

  • Call you at the last minute to “hang out” and doesn’t take you on real, planned dates
  • Text you at midnight… ehm…
  • Skip your birthday and act like holidays don’t exist
  • Invalidate, minimize, and/or belittle your feelings
  • Ignore you for their phone or friends
  • Are critical of you
  • Cancel on you
  • Expect a medal for doing the bare minimum
  • Tell you that nobody will love you like he does

You know what I’m talking about- and it’s time to ditch them.. 

You are a m0therf^cking FIVE leaf Clover Goddess. A Creature Unlike Any Other!!🦄

And you can’t fix him. You can’t make him be better to you. You can’t add leaves. There’s not enough superglue in the world. 

So ditch the weed. Because you CAN find a guy that’s a 5-er. They’re out there. You just need to learn to spot them sooner.

Also, you’re worth it. If you don’t believe it yet, I’ll believe it for you for now, until we get you there 🫶🏻

I’m coming to you from the future on this one… You’re gonna be SO pissed you spent so much time on those weeds when you’re discovered by your own FIVE leafer. 

Honest but Mysterious: Online Dating Profiles

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Dating apps are all different but many of them ask questions as part of the sign-up process. 

Whether it’s because they are trying to use the questions to match you with appropriate dates, trying to bulk up your profile, or just trying to help break the ice, the questions can get QUITE personal and heavy. 

Less is more on dating apps! (And the first few dates.) 

Keep it light, but interesting. Honest, but mysterious.

How? So glad you asked!

Some apps require you to answer questions in order to join. If you have to meet a minimum, only answer the most tame, surface questions.

Answer questions like:

  • Are you a summer person or a winter person?
  • Do you like scary movies?
  • Would you date a smoker?
  • Is pizza on your top 5 favorite food list?

Skip questions about:

  • Marriage
  • Having children in the future
  • Past relationships
  • Your flaws/weaknesses
  • Income/money
  • Which safety precautions you take
  • Intimacy/sexual experiences/fetishes

If you cannot avoid answering these types of questions (some apps require a minimum of 15. I’m looking at you, OKC…) answer them, but then go into the settings and make them all private. Or replace them with more mundane questions and delete the personal ones. 

If you HAVE to answer, try to be vague (choose: other) or noncommittal (choose: maybe/undecided).

✨If all this sounds great but you’d like a little help navigating this topic, and dating in general, I’d like to invite you to my own little corner of the internet. I’m starting a small Dating Advice Support Group that will Zoom weekly to chat about The Rules, vent, support each other, and solve your specific dating woes. It’s small right now, as all new groups are- but that gets you in early at a Founder’s rate that will never go up- for however long you’re a member. I’ve also included a couple other Founder’s perks 👇🏻 I’ll see you in there?

Check out the Founder’s Perks

Let me know what you think! And if you have questions, I’m only a DM @advice.by.alicia (on Insta or TikTok) or email away therulesroom@advicebyalicia.com 🤗

See you there?

Ok so have fun and be safe out there! Love- and luck!

I also keep some helpful resources for you here

Dating is Hard

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The good news? I got you, Boo. Married? I got you too.

First things first: where’ve I been? I’m still here. I’m still coaching clients. I’m just not blogging much, not posting much on socials -though, I am on Instagram, TikTok (for however long that lasts), and YouTube (there’s nothing on YT yet). Most of my clients have been finding me via the official Rules website, as I am listed as one of their certified coaches. Others have been clients/previous clients referring their friends (I am very honored, and SO delighted you’ve been happy with my advice-enough so to trust me with your friends! 🫶🏻). I haven’t been posting much because I’ve been pretty busy with a couple of businesses and life in general, particularly being a wife and mothering a toddler. But since my little one has started preschool (😳🥺😭), I find myself with some time. The stars have begun to align in my life to allow me to go back to devoting much more time to helping folks discover and practice ✨The Rules✨.

Sooooo, more posts, more blogs, maybe a podcast(?) to come! I’ve also been thinking I will start some weekly group chats so fellow CUAOs can get together, have questions answered, and support each other. I know firsthand how much better it is to have someone to turn to on a regular basis when you’re navigating the dating world, sometimes being the only one you know who’s doing The Rules. Over the years, I’ve had a lot of clients ask if we could make a group, and I just never had the time to host one. In fact, I am thinking of hosting two weekly group chats: one for the dating folks and one for the married folks. I think I may call them “Hard to Get” and “Easy to be With.”

More info to come in the coming weeks. I am bursting at the seams to share more with you! If you need anything in the meantime, head over to my Consultations page and we can chat. Also, PLEASE feel free to reach out and let me know if you have any particular topics you’d like me to focus on in my upcoming posts/videos/etc.

Cheers!

Today’s Tip: How is your relationship… really?

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So I was chatting with a woman this weekend, and, being a Rules dating coach, couldn’t help but ask how she and her boyfriend got together.

Long story short, it was NOT a Rules beginning, nor is it a Rules relationship.

Now, you can have a semi-decent relationship without The Rules, but I was SO disheartened to hear the way he is treating her: neglecting her, taking her for granted, rolling in money but making her spilt everything, threatening to take HER dog if she breaks up with him, accusing her of being a “slut” because he “accidentally opened” her journal and read about a romantic relationship that came before him. SO heartbreaking.

One of my friends recently confided in me that when her boyfriend is nice, he’s NICE. But when he’s not, LOOK OUT! He’s mean, makes underhanded comments, calls her names, accuses (with no proof, just paranoia) her of trash-talking him to her friends (Um… We ARE allowed to confide in our friends!!), and holds her to complete double standards: he can flirt with other women IN FRONT OF HER all he wants, but she’s not even allowed to hang out with her male friends of 20 years.

These women are smart, highly educated, beautiful, and absolute dolls. They DO NOT deserve this disrespect, and NEITHER DO YOU. Rules aside for a moment: Okay, maybe you don’t always do them… but what kind of relationship are you REALLY in? Is he abusive and neglectful? Did it start out great and slowly deteriorate? Is he a sweetie at one moment (usually when you threaten to leave) and mean and hateful another? Does he make you question reality?

With perfect timing, this article crossed my path and I thought it would be great to share with you, if you, like so many women I have met, are struggling. http://iheartintelligence.com/2016/08/08/questions-partner-controlling/ 

 

All the love!