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Is He Wasting My Time?

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…or does he actually like me?

Good question. And it’s one I see every. single. day. Many times a day. From my clients. From women online. Everywhere -all the time.

How are you supposed to know when it’s safe to spend your time and your energy and lower your shields for a man? Glad you asked. Let’s just get right into it. Here’s how we know he likes/loves us…

These are how you can tell BEFORE you even meet:

  • If he talks to/messages you first.
  • If he writes something of substance as his first message to you on a dating app. We don’t even bother answering the “hi/hello” “hi beautiful” “wyd” messages. If he starts with “I noticed you like traveling, what’s your favorite place to visit?” or “You’re into art? Have you seen the new Van Gogh exhibit at the MET?’ (And if he’s smart, he turns that into a date when you show enthusiasm about it.) Just ignore any other lame messages and you’ll save SO much time. I wrote about how to set up a dating app- here. And how to write your profile so he has something to talk about (and not spill your guts)- here.*
  • If he asks you out QUICKLY. I am talking within FOUR exchanges on a dating app. Or he gets your number when he meets you out in the wild and asks you out within 4 text exchanges. Or if he crosses the room to meet you and asks you out in person. All of the others are Time-wasters. I will go into this one more on my next blog so stay tuned for HOW to do this and WHY it matters.*
  • If he’s asking you out with advanced notice- at least 3 days.*
  • If he chooses a safe, well-lit area for your first couple of dates.
  • If he’s the one putting in the effort to plan the dates.
  • If he’s asking for your input or listening to you to know what to plan for dates you’ll enjoy.
  • If he makes the location of the first and second dates convenient for you- as in, in your area. By this I mean 10-15 minutes travel time for you, TOPS- unless you live in the middle of nowhere- make it make sense for you. ✨Obviously NEVER invite a stranger to your home or tell them where you live!✨*

What to look for once you’re past the first couple of dates:

  • If he picks you up at your door for most subsequent dates.*
  • If he’s asking for your input or listening to you to know what to plan for dates you’ll enjoy.
  • If he happily pays the tab and doesn’t make you feel awkward.
  • If he gives you little romantic gifts like flowers or candy or a cute stuffed animal or jewelry. Or writes you little poems, sends you songs, makes you a playlist, sends you funny memes during the day- things that show he’s thinking of you when you’re not there.
  • If he doesn’t rush you into being intimate- but shows he’s interested and attracted to you in a respectful way.
  • If he holds your hand, puts his arm around you, sits on the same side of the booth as you, pulls your chair closer to his, flags down the waiter for you, opens your car door, opens every door for you, helps you off the curb or down steps as you teeter in your heels.
  • If he always asks you out in advance- ideally, he asks for another date at the end of the date, as he’s dropping you off.*
  • If he tells you he told his parents/family/friends about you. Or invites you to meet them within a reasonable time frame- not too soon and not too late.
  • If he lights up when he sees you.
  • If he asks you what each and every facial expression you make means.
  • If he BEGS you to leave even just one thing at his apartment so you’re comfortable when you stay.*
  • If he buys you your own pillow for his place.*
  • If he’s sad when you have other plans, BUT RESPECTS YOUR SPACE and your friendships so there’s no guilt trip when you go out with them.
  • If he gives you a key to his place (that you don’t even use) and says you’re welcome anytime.
  • If he is totally transparent about his past relationships, when relevant- especially if he is co-parenting- BUT does NOT use you as his therapist.
  • If he’s completely comfortable handing you his phone.
  • If he wants to see you all the time and gets frustrated when you pace the relationship.*
  • Etc.

Do these men even exist?! Yes. Yes they do. When a man is really into you, he WANTS to make you happy. Wants to impress you. Wants to be challenged. Wants to figure you out. Wants to choose things you’ll like. Wants to respect your boundaries. Wants to show you his best side. Wants to spend time with you in person- not just on the phone. You get the picture.

*Here’s the thing… MANY of these will come naturally to him when he’s in love or like. Some of them (the ones with the *) might not and he may need a little (UNSPOKEN) guidance… It doesn’t mean he’s not into you, but he may have some bad habits to break (or have been spoiled in the past)… And it will be up to you to be strategic. But that’s going to have to be another blog because there’s more to it.

Now keep this piece in mind while you also PACE the relationship. Being really interested in someone can lead to seeing them too much too soon- in which case, men often crash and burn (or fizzle and ghost). Here’s a handy chart I made to help keep you on track, even when your emotions are running HIGH.

Dating Progression Chart

If you’re interested in learning more about this, and more about how to date with your sanity intact, come on over and join the waitlist for my online Dating Advice Community. We will Zoom twice per week (at VERY different times to accommodate different schedules and time zones) to check in, vent about the current state of dating, give each other support, and get answers to your specific questions. I’ve been a Dating Coach for 10 years now and I’ve seen this framework work over and over again. So give the tips above a try and check out the community!

See you there?

Join the Dating Advice Community Waitlist

Cheers!

Alicia

Honest but Mysterious: Online Dating Profiles

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Dating apps are all different but many of them ask questions as part of the sign-up process. 

Whether it’s because they are trying to use the questions to match you with appropriate dates, trying to bulk up your profile, or just trying to help break the ice, the questions can get QUITE personal and heavy. 

Less is more on dating apps! (And the first few dates.) 

Keep it light, but interesting. Honest, but mysterious.

How? So glad you asked!

Some apps require you to answer questions in order to join. If you have to meet a minimum, only answer the most tame, surface questions.

Answer questions like:

  • Are you a summer person or a winter person?
  • Do you like scary movies?
  • Would you date a smoker?
  • Is pizza on your top 5 favorite food list?

Skip questions about:

  • Marriage
  • Having children in the future
  • Past relationships
  • Your flaws/weaknesses
  • Income/money
  • Which safety precautions you take
  • Intimacy/sexual experiences/fetishes

If you cannot avoid answering these types of questions (some apps require a minimum of 15. I’m looking at you, OKC…) answer them, but then go into the settings and make them all private. Or replace them with more mundane questions and delete the personal ones. 

If you HAVE to answer, try to be vague (choose: other) or noncommittal (choose: maybe/undecided).

✨If all this sounds great but you’d like a little help navigating this topic, and dating in general, I’d like to invite you to my own little corner of the internet. I’m starting a small Dating Advice Support Group that will Zoom weekly to chat about The Rules, vent, support each other, and solve your specific dating woes. It’s small right now, as all new groups are- but that gets you in early at a Founder’s rate that will never go up- for however long you’re a member. I’ve also included a couple other Founder’s perks 👇🏻 I’ll see you in there?

Check out the Founder’s Perks

Let me know what you think! And if you have questions, I’m only a DM @advice.by.alicia (on Insta or TikTok) or email away therulesroom@advicebyalicia.com 🤗

See you there?

Ok so have fun and be safe out there! Love- and luck!

I also keep some helpful resources for you here

Dating During COVID

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Today’s Tip: The Rules During COVID

Wondering how to navigate The Rules when the COVID pandemic is still upon us? Straight from The Rules ladies themselves here are the tips:

“Rules Girl Tip- Here are our Rules for Dating During the Coronavirus up again. Everyone is writing asking for them so posting. Slight updates!

Even though everyone is acting like the world is ending because of the Coronavirus doesn’t mean you should throw The Rules out the window. Dating rules still apply!

1. If a guy you never met or met just once or twice on a dating app asks to Face Time as a substitute for a real date, say “no thanks” or “I’d rather wait” or “maybe another time.” You should be texting or talking for a couple of weeks before any video chatting! How do you know he’s not just bored and doing this with 10 other girls? But if you’re going to do it anyway, nothing last minute and limit the chat to 10 minutes!

2. You can say yes to longer and more frequent video chats if you are in a fairly serious relationship (you’re boyfriend-girlfriend, he’s said I love you or something comparable) and you’ve been on several months of Saturday night dates.

3. Don’t use the virus as an excuse to reach out to your crush with new updates, links and articles. Let him reach out to you. It’s always a better text or phone call when he contacts you!

4. Don’t use the virus as an excuse to reach out to an ex either. It reeks of boredom and loneliness. The virus is not going to make him want you back. But better to contact an ex than a live crush!

5. If you are going to accept a virtual chat, don’t sit on your bed in a sexy outfit and no sexting. Sit at your desk as if you were taking a break from work and end the call in 10 minutes with, “well, I better get back to that online course I’m taking.”

6. If he asks you on a date, you can meet for a walk/coffee, a picnic, outdoor dining or takeout food at a park, as long as it’s in your area and not secluded. Safety comes first! End the date after 1-2 hours. Under no circumstances does he go to your place or you go to his place for the first month, lest you become casual and intimate too soon!

7. Do you find it hard not to answer messages in nanoseconds? Disable the notification on the app so that you don’t know when he writes, and so you’re forced to answer hours later.

8. We know you’re bored out of your mind, but use the Not Your Mother’s Rules Text Back Time chart to respond in hours, not minutes.

9. Don’t drop by his place with books and board games or offer to bring his mother food as an excuse to see him.

10. Don’t worry about being too strict. The second the virus is over, he’ll move on to the girl who didn’t video chat with him or only video chatted with him briefly once or twice!”

Straight from The Rules ladies themselves! Stay safe and healthy!

Bonus tip:

Rules Girls are safety and health first so get vaccinated if you’re able!

Today’s Tip: Safety First! (Again)

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There were a TON of pictures to choose from to pair with this post: morbidly obese men sitting at the computer in their underwear, creepy, thin men smiling that smile we hope never to see in person, hidden cameras, mug shots, dirty old men wearing blatently suggestive t-shirts, the list goes on… I went this picture because of its generally ominous feeling.

So ladies, do me (and yourself) a favor. When you are giving a new man your email address, don’t give him the one that’s your firstlastname@whatever.com. I realize this might be helpful for work, for people that you’ve already deemed safe, but it’s dangerous to use this as your main email, to chat with new men, and with people you’ve never met. Online stalkers are crafty. From your name, they can find you on Facebook, Instagram, your high school or college alumni website, your company’s website, find your address, see where you check-in on Yelp or FB or Foursquare… and show up… (with their vans). Aside from the fact that Rules Girls don’t check-in and tell everyone what we are up to at every minute, make sure your profiles are private to the public. If you’re on any dating sites that give your last name because it’s linked through Facebook, and they want to “create a genuine atmosphere” or whatever, change your last name to something fake, or use initials or your middle name on FB. Better safe than sorry.

Love and Luck!