…or does he actually like me?

Good question. And it’s one I see every. single. day. Many times a day. From my clients. From women online. Everywhere -all the time.

How are you supposed to know when it’s safe to spend your time and your energy and lower your shields for a man? Glad you asked. Let’s just get right into it. Here’s how we know he likes/loves us…

These are how you can tell BEFORE you even meet:

• If he talks to/messages you first.
• If he writes something of substance as his first message to you on a dating app. We don’t even bother answering the “hi/hello” “hi beautiful” “wyd” messages. If he starts with “I noticed you like traveling, what’s your favorite place to visit?” or “You’re into art? Have you seen the new Van Gogh exhibit at the MET?’ (And if he’s smart, he turns that into a date when you show enthusiasm about it.) Just ignore any other lame messages and you’ll save SO much time. I wrote about how to set up a dating app- here. And how to write your profile so he has something to talk about (and not spill your guts)- here.*
• If he asks you out QUICKLY. I am talking within FOUR exchanges on a dating app. Or he gets your number when he meets you out in the wild and asks you out within 4 text exchanges. Or if he crosses the room to meet you and asks you out in person. All of the others are Time-wasters. I will go into this one more on my next blog so stay tuned for HOW to do this and WHY it matters.*
• If he’s asking you out with advanced notice- at least 3 days.*
• If he chooses a safe, well-lit area for your first couple of dates.
• If he’s the one putting in the effort to plan the dates.
• If he’s asking for your input or listening to you to know what to plan for dates you’ll enjoy.
• If he makes the location of the first and second dates convenient for you- as in, in your area. By this I mean 10-15 minutes travel time for you, TOPS- unless you live in the middle of nowhere- make it make sense for you. ✨Obviously NEVER invite a stranger to your home or tell them where you live!✨*

What to look for once you’re past the first couple of dates:

• If he picks you up at your door for most subsequent dates.*
• If he’s asking for your input or listening to you to know what to plan for dates you’ll enjoy.
• If he happily pays the tab and doesn’t make you feel awkward.
• If he gives you little romantic gifts like flowers or candy or a cute stuffed animal or jewelry. Or writes you little poems, sends you songs, makes you a playlist, sends you funny memes during the day- things that show he’s thinking of you when you’re not there.
• If he doesn’t rush you into being intimate- but shows he’s interested and attracted to you in a respectful way.
• If he holds your hand, puts his arm around you, sits on the same side of the booth as you, pulls your chair closer to his, flags down the waiter for you, opens your car door, opens every door for you, helps you off the curb or down steps as you teeter in your heels.
• If he always asks you out in advance- ideally, he asks for another date at the end of the date, as he’s dropping you off.*
• If he tells you he told his parents/family/friends about you. Or invites you to meet them within a reasonable time frame- not too soon and not too late.
• If he lights up when he sees you.
• If he asks you what each and every facial expression you make means.
• If he BEGS you to leave even just one thing at his apartment so you’re comfortable when you stay.*
• If he buys you your own pillow for his place.*
• If he’s sad when you have other plans, BUT RESPECTS YOUR SPACE and your friendships so there’s no guilt trip when you go out with them.
• If he gives you a key to his place (that you don’t even use) and says you’re welcome anytime.
• If he is totally transparent about his past relationships, when relevant- especially if he is co-parenting- BUT does NOT use you as his therapist.
• If he’s completely comfortable handing you his phone.
• If he wants to see you all the time and gets frustrated when you pace the relationship.*
• Etc.

Do these men even exist?! Yes. Yes they do. When a man is really into you, he WANTS to make you happy. Wants to impress you. Wants to be challenged. Wants to figure you out. Wants to choose things you’ll like. Wants to respect your boundaries. Wants to show you his best side. Wants to spend time with you in person- not just on the phone. You get the picture.

*Here’s the thing… MANY of these will come naturally to him when he’s in love or like. Some of them (the ones with the *) might not and he may need a little (UNSPOKEN) guidance… It doesn’t mean he’s not into you, but he may have some bad habits to break (or have been spoiled in the past)… And it will be up to you to be strategic. But that’s going to have to be another blog because there’s more to it.

Now keep this piece in mind while you also PACE the relationship. Being really interested in someone can lead to seeing them too much too soon- in which case, men often crash and burn (or fizzle and ghost). Here’s a handy chart I made to help keep you on track, even when your emotions are running HIGH.

If you’re interested in learning more about this, and more about how to date with your sanity intact, come on over and join the waitlist for my online Dating Advice Community. We will Zoom twice per week (at VERY different times to accommodate different schedules and time zones) to check in, vent about the current state of dating, give each other support, and get answers to your specific questions. I’ve been a Dating Coach for 10 years now and I’ve seen this framework work over and over again. So give the tips above a try and check out the community!

See you there?

Cheers!

Alicia