Category: CUAO

Helpful Tools

Leave a comment

I made you some really helpful resources because (maybe it’s cheesy, but…) I care.
1.) Personally I’m a sucker for a quiz. This one tells you your dating style and gives you some pointers in your results. Dating Style Quiz. It’ll take you about 10 minutes.

2.) I also made “Take the Guesswork out of Dating” for you. It’ll guide you through what to do before, during, and after a date to avoid common (catastrophic) mistakes. Because you deserve way more than those jokers that are going to waste your precious time. Inside you’ll find:

  • How to craft your pre-date mindset
  • What TO talk about. What NOT to talk about
  • How to spot the guys that will waste your time
  • The recipe for increased confidence and decreased confusion

Pro tip: Print it and post it wherever you get ready for dates so it’s fresh in your head when you head out.

3.) The third treat I created for you is a guide called Learning to Pace a Relationship. It could be the difference between getting ghosted and getting married. Inside there’s answers to:

  • What is an appropriate first date location?
  • If we’ve been dating for 2 months, how many times per week can I see him?
  • Should I go to his place yet?
  • When can I spend a week away with him?

And SO MUCH MORE. Pacing is an important part of dating- especially in the beginning. It prevents him from getting too much from you too soon and fizzling out or ghosting AND gives him enough time to develop real feelings. This chart is chef’s kiss if I do say so myself.

Here’s my QR Code. It’ll take you to everything (My LinkTree).

✨Alsoooooo… You are also cordially invited to join me in a little corner of the internet I built for us. I’m starting a Dating Advice Support Group that will meet weekly to chat about The Rules, vent, support each other, and solve your specific dating woes. It’s small right now, as all new groups are- but that gets you in early at a Founder’s rate that will never go up- for however long you’re a member. I’ve also included a couple other Founder’s perks👇🏻

Check out the Founder’s Perks

Let me know what you think! And if you have questions, I’m only a DM @advice.by.alicia (on Insta or TikTok) or email away therulesroom@advicebyalicia.com 🤗

See you there?

Cheers!

Alicia

Community coming Soon!

Leave a comment

Hellooooooo!

I have been hard at work creating something TEN years in the making. Ok, it hasn’t taken me 10 years to create it, but it’s taken me this long to have the time to do so…. Over the 10 years that I’ve been a Rules Certified Dating Coach, I have been asked repeatedly to begin a group so fellow Rules Girls (women) can come together to chat and support each other through the weeds of dating- and now I finally have the time to do it! I know all too well how difficult it is to do The Rules on your own, decipher texts from men, and come up with the right dialogue to maintain that Rules-y “honest but mysterious” vibe. Sooo…

✨ I will be launching a community on the Mighty Network for Rules-y and Rules-curious women!✨

I will be opening the “doors” VERY soon. It will be small at first, as all new communities are, but I anticipate that we will grow as more women join the group. Within the group, we will meet twice weekly via Zoom on Mondays and Wednesdays (different times to accommodate for time zones and schedules) to check-in about the past weekend, chat about The Rules, and ask YOUR specific “what if” and “what about” questions. I am also open to meeting briefly on Fridays to send you off to the weekend with The Rules in mind.

So I hope you will join me. It’s so much easier to do The Rules with others cheering you on! (If you’d like to join and be a wallflower, that’s welcome too. I’m an introvert as well, and I know sometimes I just want to observe and not be singled out. You do you, Boo!)

What are The Rules?

The Rules are a tried-and-true dating method passed down from generations. It’s a framework we use for dating that allows us to quickly see through the BS and weed out the guys that are going to waste our time or treat us poorly.

Why do The Rules?

So many of my clients over the years have always been SO nice, kind, considerate, forgiving, and let’s be honest, a lot of us were somehow taught we need to be people-pleasers, bending over backwards for others, excusing behaviors, and accepting the bare minimum (sometimes, even less) in relationships. Or maybe you were taught to lay all of your cards on the table and be very forward about who you are and what you want. In those and many other cases, men have walked all over us, kept us guessing and blaming ourselves, wasted our time, spent our money, taken all we could give- and then ghosted or moved on because they “needed space” or are “afraid of commitment.” One scroll through Threads will show you that SO many women are in the same boat. Well, I have great news- and more great news. The great news is: You’re already a WONDERFUL wife, you just need to learn how to 1.) spot a nice guy who deserves you and 2.) date and be a girlfriend first. The other great news is: The Rules help you do just that! We can stop those cycles of over-giving or over-sharing in their tracks. The Rules are a set of boundaries. We learn them. We stick to them. And they help us see through men’s bad behavior AND help us spot the good men too. (The actual good ones- not the ones that run around hatefully telling women how we don’t actually want a nice guy. Cue the Liz Lemon eye roll)

The thing about The Rules is that they’re easy- but they can be hard to do, especially when you like him. They involve making new habits and standing firm in your newfound healthy boundaries: not leading the conversation, not reaching out first, not making excuses for him, not (forgive me) being a doormat. And it can be hard to do it alone. I didn’t have a group of women to lean on when I was dating and doing The Rules so I know how hard it is- luckily I eventually met and recruited one of my besties and we went about it that way, holding hands as we held our boundaries, practicing answers for when he asks tricky personal questions, fixing our mistakes when we accidentally- or purposefully- broke a rule, sending each other screenshots of texts asking “what am I supposed to say to this?!” and on and on. That’s what this group is for.

This Community is for women who are:

  • Rules-y or Rules-curious
  • Confused and/or exhausted by men
  • Tired of being used and ghosted
  • Tired of hearing crummy advice about catering to lazy men
  • Sick of wasting their time on the wrong men
  • Not interested in dating or marrying a man-child
  • Not into situationships
  • Already knowledgeable in The Rules but don’t have single, like-minded friends for support
  • Looking for a man that will make a good husband (and possibly father to her children)
  • Want a group of like-minded women cheering them on
  • Interested in learning a new (to you), empowering way to date

I am opening the space very soon. As part of the 🎉Grand Opening 🎉 if you will, I want to spoil the community Founders. In addition to a low rate that will be locked-in for as long as you are a member, I am also including a free 30-minute 1:1 consult per month for you to use as you like. I will need to cap the number of Founders to 20 as I only have so much time in each month to do 1:1 consults, so I hope you’ll get in early! The price will go up and the 1:1 consults will be gone once we reach 20.

So watch this space, because I will be launching within the next few days!

Short but Sweet: A dating profile

1 Comment

The dating apps are getting a LOT of hate. And I get it.
But they get sooo much easier to navigate if you learn some tips.
✨Here’s a helpful hack✨
Keep your profile short and sweet, but with some personality. Keep it light and positive but add some specifics.

Here’s a template:

Hi! I’m__name__. I’m a ___career title___. OR I work in ___field___.
I’m into _ add about 6 things here. Add a couple that are hobbies, a couple that are good low-key date ideas (without saying it), and a couple that are things you love or want to try.__ Optional: A sentence about what you’re looking for in someone.

For example:

Hi! I’m Alicia. I’m a pediatric Speech Pathologist.
In my free time I like roller skating, skiing, and reading. I’m into science lectures, movies, and I’m always up for traveling and trying new foods.
I’m looking for someone easy-going who will try my latest kitchen creations.

OR

Hello! I’m Guinevere, but I go by Beck. I’m a grad student, studying writing- specifically poetry. When I’m not writing, you can find me teaching yoga, out with my friends, or checking out open mic nights. I’m always up for trying a fun food truck or new craft beers.
I’m a sucker for an old book store.

OR

Hey there, I’m Emily. I’m new to Paris, originally from Chicago.
I’m a marketing executive and have been having a blast learning about French culture and cuisine. I’m into art, photography, and fashion. I like to stay fit by running.

Why do it this way? Because we want men to start a real conversation with us. “Hi beautiful” and “wyd” isn’t worth our time. But if we want them to say something meaningful, we have to give them something to use to be able to start a conversation with us. I know. Many of them just swipe based on looks, it’s true. Men are visual. But a man that’s truly interested in you will want to start off right.
Bonus: if they’re smart, they can get some date ideas out of your profile.

What about pictures you ask? Post 1 of your smiling face closer up, and maybe 2 body shots so they can see your figure. You don’t need 17 action shots, every hobby you love depicted, pets, family, kids, etc. Make sure your pictures are clear, flattering, accurate, and recent.

What are the don’ts? DON’T:

  • List all of your dealbreakers. You can have them; just keep them to yourself.
  • Write a novel
  • Tell them your full name or where you live, work, go to the gym, etc. SAFETY FIRST!
  • Air out any dirty laundry or things that are unflattering
  • Spell out your wish list
  • Get gooey and romantic
  • Be bitter or demanding
  • Discuss past relationships, traumas, or baggage

There is plenty of time for him to get to know you and learn about your dark sides and your quirks. Right now, just keep it light and positive. He’s a *stranger* and you don’t owe strangers every little detail.

✨If all this sounds great but you’d like a little help navigating this topic, and dating in general, I’d like to invite you to my own little corner of the internet. I’m starting a small Dating Advice Support Group that will Zoom weekly to chat about The Rules, vent, support each other, and solve your specific dating woes. It’s small right now, as all new groups are- but that gets you in early at a Founder’s rate that will never go up- for however long you’re a member. I’ve also included a couple other Founder’s perks 👇🏻

Check out the Founder’s Perks

Let me know what you think! And if you have questions, I’m only an email away therulesroom@advicebyalicia.com 🤗

See you there?

Ok so have fun and be safe out there! Love- and luck!

I also keep my helpful resources for you here

Five Leaf Clover

Leave a comment

Ever find a 5 leaf clover? (Real or metaphorical?)

🍀 I’m really good at finding 4 leaf clovers. I don’t even pick them anymore; I just leave them there for other people to discover. But the 5’s? Those are special. I love finding those. Who wouldn’t?

Why am I telling you this? Because you’re wasting your time on 3 leafers.

YOU are a FIVE leaf clover. Yes, I said FIVE. 

🚫☘️🚫How can you spot a 3 leafer? Easy.

They’re the ones that:

  • Call you at the last minute to “hang out” and doesn’t take you on real, planned dates
  • Text you at midnight… ehm…
  • Skip your birthday and act like holidays don’t exist
  • Invalidate, minimize, and/or belittle your feelings
  • Ignore you for their phone or friends
  • Are critical of you
  • Cancel on you
  • Expect a medal for doing the bare minimum
  • Tell you that nobody will love you like he does

You know what I’m talking about- and it’s time to ditch them.. 

You are a m0therf^cking FIVE leaf Clover Goddess. A Creature Unlike Any Other!!🦄

And you can’t fix him. You can’t make him be better to you. You can’t add leaves. There’s not enough superglue in the world. 

So ditch the weed. Because you CAN find a guy that’s a 5-er. They’re out there. You just need to learn to spot them sooner.

Also, you’re worth it. If you don’t believe it yet, I’ll believe it for you for now, until we get you there 🫶🏻

I’m coming to you from the future on this one… You’re gonna be SO pissed you spent so much time on those weeds when you’re discovered by your own FIVE leafer. 

Honest but Mysterious: Online Dating Profiles

1 Comment

Dating apps are all different but many of them ask questions as part of the sign-up process. 

Whether it’s because they are trying to use the questions to match you with appropriate dates, trying to bulk up your profile, or just trying to help break the ice, the questions can get QUITE personal and heavy. 

Less is more on dating apps! (And the first few dates.) 

Keep it light, but interesting. Honest, but mysterious.

How? So glad you asked!

Some apps require you to answer questions in order to join. If you have to meet a minimum, only answer the most tame, surface questions.

Answer questions like:

  • Are you a summer person or a winter person?
  • Do you like scary movies?
  • Would you date a smoker?
  • Is pizza on your top 5 favorite food list?

Skip questions about:

  • Marriage
  • Having children in the future
  • Past relationships
  • Your flaws/weaknesses
  • Income/money
  • Which safety precautions you take
  • Intimacy/sexual experiences/fetishes

If you cannot avoid answering these types of questions (some apps require a minimum of 15. I’m looking at you, OKC…) answer them, but then go into the settings and make them all private. Or replace them with more mundane questions and delete the personal ones. 

If you HAVE to answer, try to be vague (choose: other) or noncommittal (choose: maybe/undecided).

✨If all this sounds great but you’d like a little help navigating this topic, and dating in general, I’d like to invite you to my own little corner of the internet. I’m starting a small Dating Advice Support Group that will Zoom weekly to chat about The Rules, vent, support each other, and solve your specific dating woes. It’s small right now, as all new groups are- but that gets you in early at a Founder’s rate that will never go up- for however long you’re a member. I’ve also included a couple other Founder’s perks 👇🏻 I’ll see you in there?

Check out the Founder’s Perks

Let me know what you think! And if you have questions, I’m only a DM @advice.by.alicia (on Insta or TikTok) or email away therulesroom@advicebyalicia.com 🤗

See you there?

Ok so have fun and be safe out there! Love- and luck!

I also keep some helpful resources for you here

Dating is Hard

Leave a comment

The good news? I got you, Boo. Married? I got you too.

First things first: where’ve I been? I’m still here. I’m still coaching clients. I’m just not blogging much, not posting much on socials -though, I am on Instagram, TikTok (for however long that lasts), and YouTube (there’s nothing on YT yet). Most of my clients have been finding me via the official Rules website, as I am listed as one of their certified coaches. Others have been clients/previous clients referring their friends (I am very honored, and SO delighted you’ve been happy with my advice-enough so to trust me with your friends! 🫶🏻). I haven’t been posting much because I’ve been pretty busy with a couple of businesses and life in general, particularly being a wife and mothering a toddler. But since my little one has started preschool (😳🥺😭), I find myself with some time. The stars have begun to align in my life to allow me to go back to devoting much more time to helping folks discover and practice ✨The Rules✨.

Sooooo, more posts, more blogs, maybe a podcast(?) to come! I’ve also been thinking I will start some weekly group chats so fellow CUAOs can get together, have questions answered, and support each other. I know firsthand how much better it is to have someone to turn to on a regular basis when you’re navigating the dating world, sometimes being the only one you know who’s doing The Rules. Over the years, I’ve had a lot of clients ask if we could make a group, and I just never had the time to host one. In fact, I am thinking of hosting two weekly group chats: one for the dating folks and one for the married folks. I think I may call them “Hard to Get” and “Easy to be With.”

More info to come in the coming weeks. I am bursting at the seams to share more with you! If you need anything in the meantime, head over to my Consultations page and we can chat. Also, PLEASE feel free to reach out and let me know if you have any particular topics you’d like me to focus on in my upcoming posts/videos/etc.

Cheers!

Dating During COVID

Leave a comment

Today’s Tip: The Rules During COVID

Wondering how to navigate The Rules when the COVID pandemic is still upon us? Straight from The Rules ladies themselves here are the tips:

“Rules Girl Tip- Here are our Rules for Dating During the Coronavirus up again. Everyone is writing asking for them so posting. Slight updates!

Even though everyone is acting like the world is ending because of the Coronavirus doesn’t mean you should throw The Rules out the window. Dating rules still apply!

1. If a guy you never met or met just once or twice on a dating app asks to Face Time as a substitute for a real date, say “no thanks” or “I’d rather wait” or “maybe another time.” You should be texting or talking for a couple of weeks before any video chatting! How do you know he’s not just bored and doing this with 10 other girls? But if you’re going to do it anyway, nothing last minute and limit the chat to 10 minutes!

2. You can say yes to longer and more frequent video chats if you are in a fairly serious relationship (you’re boyfriend-girlfriend, he’s said I love you or something comparable) and you’ve been on several months of Saturday night dates.

3. Don’t use the virus as an excuse to reach out to your crush with new updates, links and articles. Let him reach out to you. It’s always a better text or phone call when he contacts you!

4. Don’t use the virus as an excuse to reach out to an ex either. It reeks of boredom and loneliness. The virus is not going to make him want you back. But better to contact an ex than a live crush!

5. If you are going to accept a virtual chat, don’t sit on your bed in a sexy outfit and no sexting. Sit at your desk as if you were taking a break from work and end the call in 10 minutes with, “well, I better get back to that online course I’m taking.”

6. If he asks you on a date, you can meet for a walk/coffee, a picnic, outdoor dining or takeout food at a park, as long as it’s in your area and not secluded. Safety comes first! End the date after 1-2 hours. Under no circumstances does he go to your place or you go to his place for the first month, lest you become casual and intimate too soon!

7. Do you find it hard not to answer messages in nanoseconds? Disable the notification on the app so that you don’t know when he writes, and so you’re forced to answer hours later.

8. We know you’re bored out of your mind, but use the Not Your Mother’s Rules Text Back Time chart to respond in hours, not minutes.

9. Don’t drop by his place with books and board games or offer to bring his mother food as an excuse to see him.

10. Don’t worry about being too strict. The second the virus is over, he’ll move on to the girl who didn’t video chat with him or only video chatted with him briefly once or twice!”

Straight from The Rules ladies themselves! Stay safe and healthy!

Bonus tip:

Rules Girls are safety and health first so get vaccinated if you’re able!

Today’s Tip: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Leave a comment

So, my dears, how did Valentine’s Day go?

He loves me:

He planned ahead/scheduled me well in advance of Valentine’s Day.

He made reservations/plans for something or somewhere he knew I would enjoy.

He told me he loves me.

He proposed!

He introduced me to his friends/parents/children.

He bought/made/gave me a romantic gift. Money is not the objective here; it’s romance. As CUAOs, we would prefer a card with a poem he wrote inside and signed “Love, …” over something practical that he spends beaucoup bucks on. So: card with poem/song he wrote over iPad, flowers over laptop, jewelry over expensive kitchen appliance, weekend trip over new car… you get the picture. Gifts are a great way to gauge how he feels about you. If he loves you, he doesn’t buy you something he would buy his grandmother. She gets the silk scarf and/or bouquet of daisies; you get the heart necklace and/or a dozen red roses. She gets the #1 Nana necklace; you get the sparkly diamond engagement ring. So be honest with yourself: Was it a romantic gift? If not, it’s a good time to take a good look at this relationship…

 

He loves me not (Probably—there’s a SLIM possibility he’s very spoiled or that a terrible precedent was set at the beginning of the relationship):

He waited until the last minute and asked the same day or night before.

He took me to the least romantic pub in existence where he watched xyz sports game/whatever was on the TV more than he spoke to me.

He bought me a coffee pot and zero flowers or candy.

He somehow made it sound like it would be SO romantic if I cooked dinner for us… But really, it just meant that I got stuck grocery shopping, paying for the food, lugging it home, cooking and cleaning, setting the mood, and all that joker did was bring the wine!

He makes me second-guess myself all the time. Is this a relationship or not? Is he just killing time? Just wanted a date so he doesn’t feel like a loser on the romance holiday?

He completely skipped Valentine’s Day but he called me for a date the next weekend…

He took me out on Saturday night (or ON Valentine’s Day) but didn’t actually acknowledge the holiday. (Even though I wore red and heart-shaped earrings.)

We’ve been “together” for 6 months. He got me a card and flowers, but he didn’t sign the card “Love, …” and, come to think of it, he never says it.

He invited me me over. He made dinner (a BIG batch of lasagna he intends separate into portions to eat every day for lunch this week). While we ate, we watched a movie he had pirated. But it feels like it was just really a ploy to get me into bed because immediately after dinner, we had sex, then he went directly to sleep.

 

So are you still plucking the flower or do you have a clear picture? Are you feeling blue because something on the list above happened to you? Don’t worry—you’re not alone in this. The above scenarios are ALL true stories that have happened either to me or one of my besties. We are in this together, ladies. Let’s change it!

Maybe there are some gray areas or you’re in the “bad precedent group” and you need to chat about and/or fix it– that’s fine too. Maybe you know the Rules but your mom/girlfriend/sister thinks you’re being too picky or crazy or overanalyzing and you need a fellow CUAO to look at it with fresh eyes. I’m here for you. Shoot me an email at datingadvicebyalicia@gmail.com or head to my Consultations page and fill in the boxes. We can sort this out together. Why not, right? Do you have more time to waste if he’s not in love with you yet?

All the love!

Today’s Tip: Valentine’s Day

Leave a comment

So, ladies… What is your job on Valentine’s Day? To be aware and observe!

Has he asked you to be his Valentine and pinned you down for a date yet?
Has he made reservations or plans for the date?
Has he been dropping or picking up hints about a gift?
Has he asked/figured out your favorite flower or your preference toward silver/gold/white gold,  or white/milk/dark chocolate, etc.?
Does he use the “L” word?
Have you only been together for a few weeks? …And you’re not sure how he feels quite yet?

OR…
Is he acting disgruntled about this “fake holiday that was only invented to sell cards and chocolate”?
Is he bitter and resentful that there’s a holiday where he’s “expected to compete with other men to show how much I love my woman… because I love you every day and why should I be forced to prove it today?”?
Is he cranky that “everything will be crowded and overpriced.” Then asks you if you’re “sure you REALLY want to do something on such a silly ‘holiday’?”
(Are you reliving a crappy past relationship after having read the above quotes? Me too. I won’t name names, but they’re actual quotes. Take some deep breaths and let that go, because it will only poison a new relationship. Let the new guy have his clean slate!)

Now is the time you get to see how he really feels about you; so keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut. A man in love acts much differently than a man that is not. So pay attention! We will reconvene when Vday is over to assess the situation.

A little prep on your part:

So… What if he “forgets” or never mentions Valentine’s Day?
If he doesn’t mention it, you don’t either! As far as you are concerned, you have other plans (that he can wonder but will never know about). Don’t sit home sad. Get dressed up, go out, and find a new man! Or do what my bestie and I used to do on Vday when we were single at the same time: dress up in adorably festive outfits and hit a restaurant that’s not exactly a date spot for a newer couple… For us it was the spiciest Szechuan we could find. Tearing and snotting (so very ladylike, I know) over our bowls of dumplings in chili oil and spicy beef noodle soup was so much fun we didn’t give a second thought to Vday (except that we bought each other chocolate and/or flowers)! Also in the category of “non-date food,” anything awkward, super spicy, and/or messy to eat: chicken wings, BBQ ribs, tacos, burgers, ramen, crab legs…

What about a gift for him?
No mushy cards, chocolate, jewelry, poetry, champagne, etc.! Reread the part in The Rules about what kind of gifts are appropriate to give him (or my previous post about gifting– but choose a smaller gift than you would get him for Christmas or his birthday. No need to break the bank.). Hint: If you’ve only been on a few dates, the answer is “nothing.”

P.S. Dress nicely, keep your manners about you, and don’t forget to say thank you (sans gushing).

P.P.S. Don’t rope yourself into planning and cooking the romantic dinner for Valentine’s Day! It’s a TRAP! You’ll get stuck with the trip to the store, the expense of the food, the planning and cooking of the menu, the burden of entertaining- driving yourself nuts cleaning your place, possible dish duty, cleaning linens, and you’re the one setting the romantic tone! How wooed can you feel if it’s all your responsibility? Leave the romance up to him- until it’s his birthday, or you’re married (and even then, do you want to do the cooking and romancing on your anniversary??)

Love and luck!

Today’s Tip: Safety First! (Again)

Leave a comment

There were a TON of pictures to choose from to pair with this post: morbidly obese men sitting at the computer in their underwear, creepy, thin men smiling that smile we hope never to see in person, hidden cameras, mug shots, dirty old men wearing blatently suggestive t-shirts, the list goes on… I went this picture because of its generally ominous feeling.

So ladies, do me (and yourself) a favor. When you are giving a new man your email address, don’t give him the one that’s your firstlastname@whatever.com. I realize this might be helpful for work, for people that you’ve already deemed safe, but it’s dangerous to use this as your main email, to chat with new men, and with people you’ve never met. Online stalkers are crafty. From your name, they can find you on Facebook, Instagram, your high school or college alumni website, your company’s website, find your address, see where you check-in on Yelp or FB or Foursquare… and show up… (with their vans). Aside from the fact that Rules Girls don’t check-in and tell everyone what we are up to at every minute, make sure your profiles are private to the public. If you’re on any dating sites that give your last name because it’s linked through Facebook, and they want to “create a genuine atmosphere” or whatever, change your last name to something fake, or use initials or your middle name on FB. Better safe than sorry.

Love and Luck!